Monday, July 19, 2010

My Walmart Wish

Has anyone had that feeling whenever walking through those Walmart sensors that your trying to sneek something out of the store even though you're definitely not trying to do anything of the sort? Especially if you hadn't made any purchases? I walk through them sometimes just waiting for the alarms to go off and be surrounded instantly by police with their guns pointed at me yelling over a megaphone to slowly pull the Tomogachi from my pocket and set it on the ground.

But regardless if I think they'll go off or not, my body still spasms into the air everytime they do go off. And then I'm always surprised how no one makes a big deal out of it. As a matter of fact, the greeter usually looks a lot happier after it happens. Whether it's due to the fact that it breaks up the monotony of their shift by getting their off their cushion to come clear everything up or the fact that they just witnessed a couple of college-aged guys just about pee their pants while doing some pretty incredible acrobatics, they always look pretty smug. Huh, now that I think about it, I wonder if some of them don't just occasionally plant things on customers who were in too much of a hurry on the way in to say hi or even smile back as the greeter welcomed them to Walmart. I know I would.

That's why it was so odd when we made it all the way out to Brett's car when Brett suddenly realized he had just made it all the way out of Walmart without paying for his 50 bucks worth of groceries. Apperently the cashier had been so busy talking to Brett about pest control that she never asked him to pay. And with all his groceries being scanned, he walked right out of Walmart without the sensors going off. Fortunately though, my roommate is pretty close to a saint and quickly ran back into Walmart where he found a very relieved cashier. What a great kid.

Speaking of Walmart though, I have a Walmart wish.

I want one night alone with all my friends in a Walmart Supercenter. No, no, no. Not so that we can gorge ourselves on the infinite amount of ice cream and frozen burritos, although I'm sure that would be a popular idea to you gluttons. No, not even to loot the toy aisles of all their nerf guns...... Well, ok, that's a lie. But more importantly, I would want to have a Walmart store solely to myself and those whom I would deem worthy to play the most incredible night games a boy could ever dream of. And if nerf guns and burritos happened to be included in that package, I for one wouldn't complain.

I have long dreamt about what I would do on such an epic night. We'd start out using the tables and chairs in the lawn and gardening section to create a blockade till it could compete with any high school senior prank. My team and I would then have a fairly secure base surrounded by gun turret clothes racks that you could step into the middle of and be completely hidden as well as protected by the clothes hanging around you. Ok, so that's all I've really dreamt of doing. Make a base and hide in the clothes racks. That and see what it looks like behind the shelves where they put the milk. Yessiree, that would be my simple Walmart wish.

The only thing that could make a night like that be better was if the girl of my dreams was waiting just outside the sliding glass doors to congratulate me on my heroic victory. Hearing her call to me, I would sprint down the aisle (not necessarily cause I'm in a hurry, but because it looks like you're in warp speed with the items on the shelves wizzing past you) past the checkout, past the Mini McDonald's, anxiously approaching my first Walmart kiss.
And right as I'm about to reach her, I put my hand out and.... *#BEEP!#* *#BEEP!#* *#BEEP!#*. The *#BEEP!#*ing store sensor goes off. Not that i want the sensors to go off. It's just the most likely scenario when you have empty burrito wrappers hanggin' out of your pocket and a nerf gun slung on your back.

Alas, though this retail fairytale may not come true for a while, it definitely can't hurt sucking up to those greeter ladies when walking in. Who knows, one of them might turn into my FairyMart Godmother and grant my boyhood wish. Either way though, it's worth it to keep them happy. Don't want those sensors to go off now do we?

Post Note about Picture. Sorry it's blurry. Brett had to take it quick without a flash because apperently it's againts Walmart rules to take pictures in the store. So how did I get it? Without going into too many details, let's just say that it required faking a British accent and doing a lot of sweet talking.


  1. Hi Dan,

    I just ended up on ur blog from ur FB. Nice to hear something new about you. It's a quite good blog. Keep writing!

    Joned ^_^

  2. Dan how am i suppose to give you that walmart kiss when your like miles away!? haha I have had a similar dream, except mine included slippin sliding down the long aisles! :)