Monday, July 19, 2010

My Walmart Wish

Has anyone had that feeling whenever walking through those Walmart sensors that your trying to sneek something out of the store even though you're definitely not trying to do anything of the sort? Especially if you hadn't made any purchases? I walk through them sometimes just waiting for the alarms to go off and be surrounded instantly by police with their guns pointed at me yelling over a megaphone to slowly pull the Tomogachi from my pocket and set it on the ground.

But regardless if I think they'll go off or not, my body still spasms into the air everytime they do go off. And then I'm always surprised how no one makes a big deal out of it. As a matter of fact, the greeter usually looks a lot happier after it happens. Whether it's due to the fact that it breaks up the monotony of their shift by getting their off their cushion to come clear everything up or the fact that they just witnessed a couple of college-aged guys just about pee their pants while doing some pretty incredible acrobatics, they always look pretty smug. Huh, now that I think about it, I wonder if some of them don't just occasionally plant things on customers who were in too much of a hurry on the way in to say hi or even smile back as the greeter welcomed them to Walmart. I know I would.

That's why it was so odd when we made it all the way out to Brett's car when Brett suddenly realized he had just made it all the way out of Walmart without paying for his 50 bucks worth of groceries. Apperently the cashier had been so busy talking to Brett about pest control that she never asked him to pay. And with all his groceries being scanned, he walked right out of Walmart without the sensors going off. Fortunately though, my roommate is pretty close to a saint and quickly ran back into Walmart where he found a very relieved cashier. What a great kid.

Speaking of Walmart though, I have a Walmart wish.

I want one night alone with all my friends in a Walmart Supercenter. No, no, no. Not so that we can gorge ourselves on the infinite amount of ice cream and frozen burritos, although I'm sure that would be a popular idea to you gluttons. No, not even to loot the toy aisles of all their nerf guns...... Well, ok, that's a lie. But more importantly, I would want to have a Walmart store solely to myself and those whom I would deem worthy to play the most incredible night games a boy could ever dream of. And if nerf guns and burritos happened to be included in that package, I for one wouldn't complain.

I have long dreamt about what I would do on such an epic night. We'd start out using the tables and chairs in the lawn and gardening section to create a blockade till it could compete with any high school senior prank. My team and I would then have a fairly secure base surrounded by gun turret clothes racks that you could step into the middle of and be completely hidden as well as protected by the clothes hanging around you. Ok, so that's all I've really dreamt of doing. Make a base and hide in the clothes racks. That and see what it looks like behind the shelves where they put the milk. Yessiree, that would be my simple Walmart wish.

The only thing that could make a night like that be better was if the girl of my dreams was waiting just outside the sliding glass doors to congratulate me on my heroic victory. Hearing her call to me, I would sprint down the aisle (not necessarily cause I'm in a hurry, but because it looks like you're in warp speed with the items on the shelves wizzing past you) past the checkout, past the Mini McDonald's, anxiously approaching my first Walmart kiss.
And right as I'm about to reach her, I put my hand out and.... *#BEEP!#* *#BEEP!#* *#BEEP!#*. The *#BEEP!#*ing store sensor goes off. Not that i want the sensors to go off. It's just the most likely scenario when you have empty burrito wrappers hanggin' out of your pocket and a nerf gun slung on your back.

Alas, though this retail fairytale may not come true for a while, it definitely can't hurt sucking up to those greeter ladies when walking in. Who knows, one of them might turn into my FairyMart Godmother and grant my boyhood wish. Either way though, it's worth it to keep them happy. Don't want those sensors to go off now do we?

Post Note about Picture. Sorry it's blurry. Brett had to take it quick without a flash because apperently it's againts Walmart rules to take pictures in the store. So how did I get it? Without going into too many details, let's just say that it required faking a British accent and doing a lot of sweet talking.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My new hobby of Dudeing


I've grown up pretty girl crazy. I've never been fearful of the thought of kissing a girl. When other boys ran away in fear of getting coodies when a girl came close, I sadly had to pretend that I too was scared in order to keep my title as a respectable male. I know I like girls and that will never change. That's probably why I have no problem when my roommates and I crack lame jokes about us being gay. Obviously we're not, but it's always funny just the same. Well.... Almost always funny.

So Brett and I and a few of the other guys wanted to go see a movie after work on Saturday. Since we hardly ever got to go out, we decided to dress up for the occassion, especially if it meant increasing our chances of attracting the young seƱoritas that might be there.

Unfortunately though, when we got to the theater, they were practically sold out. Rather than buy crappy tickets and end up straining our necks from looking up into the screen, we decided to go look for a new toy remote control helicopter for Brett since his had just broke.

We first went to Target and then onto Walmart but couldn't find the one we were looking for. While in walmart, I joked to Brett that we were definitely one of the better looking couples in the store. We laughed and then hopped into the car to head to a new store. But while in route to the mall, we saw a petmart and decided just to run inside to see if they had a cool, non-smelly pet we could get for the apt.

Brett asked if he could hold a snake and the girl gladly pulled one out and stuck it in the palm of Brett's hand. I noticed the questioning looks she was giving us and just smiled. Brett on the other hand, was completely oblivious to this when he turned to me and asked, "Should we get this for our apt?" and then "Do you want to hold the snake?"
A little embarressed I just took the snake and held it on my palm. Without thinking, Brett started stroking it gently while I was still holding it. I tried giving it quickly back to the girl but I knew from the grin on the girl's face that it was too late. She thought we were gay. We left and I pointed out what had just happpened and had a pretty good laugh. But our night wasn't over yet. Still looking for a helicopter, we were pretty excited when we saw a store called, "Hobby Lobby." That place had to have a helicopter. Let's just say as soon as we walked past the automatic doors we realized that if there was a perfect gay store, that was it. We had no idea that it was an Arts & Crafts store. We booked it out of there as fast as our feminine hienies would let us.

We finally made it to the mall and to the kiosk where they sold helicopters. The first thing the guy selling them said to me once he identified us as potential buyers was, "So you buying this for your companion or for you?"

Having such a questioning night led us needing a major ego boost to our Man-esteem. Fortunately we were Man-ded we ran into a team at the mall dressed up like the Ghostbusters from "Ghostbusters." we asked to take a picture with them but they told us that the mall security wouldn't let them but I'f we met them at their car outside that we could. Brett an I sprinted out to his car and then drove around to where they told us only to be majorly disappointed when we saw security driving up to them on segways just as fast. Thinking that our photo oppertunity was lost, we got out anyway to see why security was kicking 'em out. Much to our giddy surprise though, they weren't. They just wanted a picture too. So after we took a photo for them, they took one for us. Night complete.

We called our night dude-ing in order to help us laugh at it, and finished the evening by going back to the apt and watching a movie cuddled close together around Brett's computer cause we don't have a TV and his speaker's only project about a foot worth of sound. I tried calling a bunch of girls that night but none of them picked up.

Well, it was a night that i'm still not sure if I should try to forget. Either way though, I'm never going to assume someone is gay just based on the fact that he's with another guy. Now if they're petting a snake together than.....

Friday, July 9, 2010

Facebook has changed the World

So, I have to laugh. In a desperate attempt to keep up with the world that had so dramatically changed without me being there, I created this blog fresh off the mish thinking that I had to in order to keep up with the times. I laugh because it's almost been a year since then and I have not even once got on this thing to update such a "necessary" piece of my life. Does anyone remember what it was like before Facebook, YouTube and all this other social networking crap? It used to be that if you wanted to know what someone was doing, you would have to write 'em a letter or call them. But now I know the exact burping schedule of my friend's baby due to the newsfeed section of facebook.

Sometimes your so well updated on a person that you feel a part of their life even though you haven't talked to them for years. Something like this just happened yesterday actually while I was waiting in Denver to catch a flight to Oklahoma. I was catching up with a good friend on the phone when we had this conversation.
Me: "How was your 4th?"
Her: "Oh, so you don't know this but I did (blah blah blah). Cool, huh?"
Me: "Wow, I had no idea!"

But funny enough, I did have an idea. Due to the fact that she had posted her 4th of July activities on Facebook, I not only knew where she watched fireworks, but also I knew all the faces and names of who she was with. And either to be polite or maybe to just avoid sounding creepy, I went along ad listened as she proceeded to tell me everything I had already read on Facebook the day before.
Well as I descend from my soapbox, I just want to add one more thing. If you haven't watched the movie "Surrogates" with Bruce Willis, you should. Although I laugh and don't believe we'll ever get to that point, it does make you wonder what things we have grown dependent on. I thought my roommate was crazy when he told me that he was going to "disconnect himself from the matrix" by not getting on facebook anymore.

Well, that's it. Now that I can get on this thing from my Itouch, I'll probably find it "necessary" to get on this more often. Not.

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